Right, here’s the idea. I’m about to open up the file with The Unlocked Project on it and write down my thoughts. If you want to join in then feel free to open up a separate window with the first draft and join in. It’s kind of like live tweeting it only without Twitter.
– I’m not so sure about this opening. I had meant it to be a complete reversal of the ‘main character wakes up and gets out of bed’ intro that was so often used in many a student movie. On rereading it, it feels crammed in and somehow empty. I’m not sure what I’d replace it with though.
-The light from the window is supposed to signify a better outside world at large. One which might be more favourable than the sterile design inside the flat.
– Andrea annoys me, she seems far too mothering.
– Actually Tony has started to annoy me too which is a big problem as he’s the central character. He just seems to spend this entire segment in permanent confusion, like he’d spend all day wandering around with a face part constipation and part trying to work out a crossword puzzle. You know the face right? No? Okay I’ll show you…
… so I’ll probably have to give him something a little bit more.
– As noted before at no point in the following conversation do Andrea and Tony refer to each other by name. So how do the audience know?
– This conversation is all very well, it bumps along at a fair old rate but it could be cut down a bit. Get to the pills.
– The puzzle book is supposed to be a clue to the science experiment background and Andrea’s involvement in it. It’s nice enough but never seems to be mentioned again afterwards.
– Michael’s entrance in scene two feels a lot like this…
…only with a little bit less singing and Michael Caine.
– Michael’s quite well realised actually, I had him down as being a bit like that dude from Quantum Leap. Not Sam, the other guy.
– He seems naturally unhinged enough, almost Doctor Whoish at times. This is probably a good thing. I like Michael, he can stay.
-I’m actually uncomfortable with ‘newly qualified hooker’ being in there. It just seems far too crass.
-His objection to the pills seems clumsy. Perhaps it’s acceptable because he comes across as a bit of a health freak so therefore wouldn’t touch them but why would he influence Tony so much even when they’ve just met?
-The first time he exits the flat into the corridor should feel like quite a moment. Currently, it doesn’t.
-Actually the more I type these notes the more I’m thinking about scrapping the whole insomnia thing altogether and just going with him being agoraphobic. Draft one feels like he’s trying to flit between two conditions and neither are well realised. If we had one and made it well rounded then it’s much better. It would also give Tony some backbone as he wouldn’t be knackered.
– And here’s Andrea back in scene three being all bloody motherly again.
– I’ll have to put something in to buffer these scenes, spend some time with Tony on his own. As I’ve said before it just seems like these guys are taking turns to visit Tony without much input from him.
– Why would Andrea not go marching down the corridor to tell Michael to fuck off right from the start. Unless she reckons he’s a figment of Tony’s imagination? Is Michael a figment? Is he actually real? My head hurts.
– Once again, this conversation wanders aimlessly.
– Bloody hell, scene four sees Michael turn from The Doctor to Rainman.
– The sound of electricity? It’s bizarre but then Michael himself is bizarre so it’s just about possible.
– Would you be able to tear into a wall with a piece of cutlery? Probably not.
– Moving the bin over the ‘dig site’ seemed like an idea to create a bit of drama when Andrea came back around. She doesn’t reappear until the finale now so this seems really pointless.
– Okay, here’s the bit when Tony, minus the pills, has finally got some kip. If we’re ditching the sleeping problem then this will certainly need reworked into something.
– I’m thinking that the whole TV screen cutting out would be better if he cuts the wire rather than flicks a switch. Basically, why would anybody plaster over a power point?
-I like the fact Tony goes to Michael’s flat, his first social visit in months, only to find that it’s bricked up. We’re leaning on the fact Michael isn’t real obviously here.
– I don’t like the fact that Andrea just turns up again out of the blue.
– I’m also thinking that this isn’t a brilliant place to end it. It’s far too vague to leave you with any sense of wonder.
That was fun wasn’t it? It’s 11:49pm here in the UK right now and I have work in the morning so I’ll probably hang on to these thoughts overnight.
Feel free to chuck some more in if you want to.